In God We Trust

Obama Tries to Become a Walking Green Card in the Philippines - A Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

Last week, Obama was bored as hell in Japan, South Korea, and Malaysia. He was really looking forward to visiting the Philippines on Sunday, though. His National Security Agency told him that Filipinos love Americanos. They got that information from Don Hendon’s e-mails. They had been intercepting Dr. Hendon’s e-mails, ever since he started writing his award-winning series of Fractured Fairy Tales. They showed Obama an e-mail which said that Don was a “walking green card” whenever he was walked down M. H. del Pilar Street in Manila’s tourist belt area, Ermita. Pretty Filipinas would look at him, lick their lips, and say “Sarap!” (Sarap means yum-yum in Tagalog.)

And that’s why Obama decided to increase the US military presence in the Philippines. He wanted to go to Manila and see people lick their lips and say “Sarap” when they looked at him, too. So he signed a 10-year deal with the Philippine government on April 28, 2014. Called the Enhanced Defense Cooperation Agreement, it gave the US a lot more access to military bases there. After quickly signing the agreement, he and his entourage went to the US Embassy on Roxas Boulevard. He put on a disguise and walked four blocks to the corner of M. H. Del Pilar and Padre Faura in the Ermita district. His Security people followed him at a discreet distance. He walked past the Hobbit House and G-Point Night Clubs, and the La Corona Hotel. Then he went a block away and started walking down Mabini Street.

Lots of pretty Filipinas were walking by, but nobody looked at him and smiled. In fact, when they saw him, they actually seemed a little frightened. Eventually, he went back to M. H. Del Pilar Street and went into the L. A. Nites Club, a big pick-up spot. Over a beer with some of the guys, he learned that Filipinas were afraid of people with dark skin. Especially if they had big ears and a phony-looking smile!

So he decided to hit the gay bars in Ermita instead. He went into the Boy Next Door on Mabini Street and The Library on Adriatico Street. Same thing. None of the gay guys there licked their lips and said “Sarap.” They seemed to be avoiding him.

He was so depressed, he walked back to the Embassy, and his Security people took him back to Air Force One. En route back to the US, he started talking to his “speshul-weshul” guy, Kal Penn, his former White House Director of Pubic Engagement, who accompanied him on all of his trips.

Oh-bummer: I’m so depressed. I was really looking forward to seeing hot sexy Filipina gals and Filipino guys look at me, lick their lips, and say “Sarap.” What should I do, Kal? Give me some advice, please.

Kal: Say pretty-please, and I’ll tell you.

Oh-bummer: Pretty please.

Kal: Well, you’ve been depressed a lot lately. The oh-bummer jokes are getting worse and worse. While I was waiting for you to get back on the plane, your Security detail spent all their time telling Oh-bummer jokes.

Oh-bummer interrupts: Tell me a couple of Oh-bummer jokes. You know I’m a masochist at heart. I love to have you tie my hands and feet to the bedposts and tell me all the bad things people are saying about me.

Kal: OK, here’s a couple: “Your face will never be on US currency. But it’s gonna be on the Food Stamp Card.” And, “Why won’t you release your real birth certificate?”

Oh-bummer: Don’t tell me. I know the answer to that one. It’s because I accidentally smoked it.

Kal: Right! And you should be depressed! Your popularity rating is in the toilet! Your stupid policies are ruining the US! You fundamentally changed the country—for the worse! And you’ll probably get sent to prison for all the crimes you’ve committed in office! Why don’t you just cut a plea with the Justice Department and resign before you get arrested?

Oh-bummer objects and says, “Kal, you’re wrong. Long after I’m gone, future generations look back and know of the mark I made on the world.”

Kal: You’re confusing mark with stain.

Oh-bummer looks shocked. Then he asks Kal, “What should I do?”

Kal: Do what Jesse Jackson Jr. did.

Oh-bummer: You mean that congressman from Illinois? The guy who’s in jail for 2-1/2 years for illegally spending $750,000 in campaign funds on personal items? He’s a small-timer! I’ve stolen a lot more than $750,000!

Kal: Yeah, everybody knows you’re a bigger crook than Jackson! But you shouldn’t brag about it! You’ll just make things worse! Anyway, just before Jackson was sentenced to prison, he faked a “mood disorder.” He had no history of mental illness during his 17 years in congress. Suddenly having a mood disorder just before he got sentenced gave him $8,700 a month in government disability pay, as well as a partial congressional pension of $45,000.

Oh-bummer: Hey, Kal, that’s a great idea! Let me do the arithmetic.

After 30 minutes of trying to figure it out, Oh-bummer gives up. Kal, as usual, comes to the rescue and says: That’s 8,700 x 12 = 104,400 + 45,000 = $149,400 a year for the rest of Jesse’s life!

Oh-bummer: Wow! Is this a great country, or what!

Kal: Yeah, especially if you work for the IRS.

Oh-bummer: What do you mean?

Kal: Well, when people cheat on their taxes, they get put into prison. When an IRS employee cheats on his taxes, he gets a bonus!

Oh-bummer: Just like I said—is this a great country, or what!

Copyright (c) 2014

 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.