In God We Trust

Obama the Hoarse Whisperer, and Groupie Germs (Part 2 of 3)

 

By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com 

Here’s the plot so far, folks: It’s early June 2014. Obama is flying to Normandy to stop those internet rumors that he is the only president since Harry Truman who never bothered to go there on D-Day. He’s sitting on the plane talking to Dirty Harry Reid, the Senate Majority Leader. They’re talking about how they made their first million dollars.

Oh-Bummer: Yeah, I got on the fast track to riches when I gave the keynote speech at the Democrat’s convention in 2004. That was the year they picked that horse-faced guy, John Kerry, as their nominee. After I wowed everybody in the audience with my genuinely phony smile, I thought Kerry was gonna pick me as his running mate. But he picked that womanizing loser, John Edwards, instead.

Dirty Harry: I heard you used a lot of dirty tricks to win your Senate race.

Oh-Bummer: Yeah, I learned from the master—you! I still consider you the master of voter fraud. You really know how to manipulate all those unions in the Vegas casinos!

Dirty Harry: I don’t manipulate them—I intimidate them! By the way, who did the Republicans pick to run against you for the Senate? Can’t remember the guy’s name.

Oh-Bummer: They picked some goody two-shoes named Jack Ryan. I figured I couldn’t beat him. I hadn’t mastered the art of voter fraud yet. So I got a buddy to leak Ryan’s secret divorce records to the press. Ryan did so many crappy things to his wife, so he had to drop out of the race. And the Republicans replaced him with some loser, a black dude named Alan Keyes. His phony smile was no match for mine, and I beat the hell out of him. 70% to 20%. I spent $14 million, and he spent $2 million. And…

Dirty Harry, obviously bored, interrupts by saying, “So what does this have to do with how you made your first million dollars?

Oh-Bummer: Well, after I gave the keynote speech and became Senator, Crown Publishing gave me a $1.9 million advance for my book, The Audacity of Hope. A hell of a lot more than those cheapskates at Times Books, gave me for my first book, Dreams from My Father, way back in 1995. Hell, they didn’t give me anything when they sold the reprint rights to Random House. And I got my radical buddy, Bill Ayers, to do all the writing. You know how lazy I am!

Dirty Harry: How much do you think Horrible Hillary got from those celebrity-lovers at Simon & Schuster for Hard Choices?

Oh-Bummer: Who the hell knows? All I know for sure is that one of her hard choices was not Bill. He hasn’t been able to get it up since his open-heart surgery back in 2004.

They both laugh so hard, they almost choke to death. (That would have been a happy ending, huh, folks?)

Eventually, they start speculating on how much Hillary Clinton made on her book, Hard Choices.   

Whispering hoarsely, Dirty Harry says, “Horrible Hillary couldn’t have made too much money from her book. After all, it was banned in China. And I know how much she hates to go to those terrible book-signing events. She’s deathly afraid of getting germs from her groupies.”

Oh-Bummer: Well, Hillary made around $10 million while George Bush was president. Lots of scams, but not much book sales. I hear her two books, Living History in 2004 and It Takes a Village in 2006 were real bow-wow’s.

Dirty Harry: Well, she made a lot more than I did from my two books, The Good  Fight in 2009 and Searchlight—the Camp That Didn’t Fail in 2007. It’s too damn hard to make money from book sales, even if you’re a celebrity politician like me. It’s a lot easier to bribe people and get rich on scams.

Oh-Bummer: Well, if you had a genuinely phony smile like mine, you could have made a lot of money with your two books.  

Dirty Harry: Well, like I said in The Good Fight, I was a prize fighter. A lousy one, though. I got beat up so much—that’s why my voice sounds like it does today! My wife calls me the Hoarse Whisperer! And then, she playfully beats me with a horse whip! I just love it when she does that!

…to be continued once again.

Copyright (c) 2014

 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.