By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

In yesterday’s fractured fairy tale, Obama decides to leave his family behind on his fund-raising trip to San Francisco. Instead, he takes nine people with him: His speshul-weshul guy Kal Penn, of course. Four serial cheaters—Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Anthony Weiner, and Eliot Spitzer. Plus womanizer Bob Filner, the former mayor of San Diego. And fellow crack-smokers Trey Radel (Florida congressman) and Rob Ford (Toronto’s mayor). After the San Francisco fund-raiser, they all head out to the Castro district, where best gay bars are—the Badlands, Moby Dick, Lookout Bar, and Toad Hall. They’re all in disguise so they won’t be recognized. Here’s what happened to them on November 24, 2013: 

Clinton: Hey, Barry, I’ve got to think of my image as a womanizer. I don’t want to go to gay bars. Who wants to go with Barry, and who wants to go with me?

So only Obama and Kal Penn head out to the Castro District. The rest of the gang head out to Trax in the Haight-Ashbury district. No luck. So they go to Butter in the South of Market district. Again, no luck.

Bob Filner says to Clinton, “Hey, Bill, we’re not getting anywhere. I’ve got an idea. Let’s go to the Victoria’s Secret store on Union Square. I’ve had good luck there before.”

Clinton: Hey, that’s a good idea! I’ve always had good luck picking up girls at Victoria’s Secret—even in disguise.

Weiner: What’s your best pick-up line? I could use some new ones. I can’t go into McDonald’s and say, “Who wants to see a quarter-pounder with two McNuggets?” That doesn’t work for me anymore.

Clinton: Hey, I just go up to the prettiest sales clerk in Victoria’s Secret and say, “Come on, what’s the secret? You can tell me.”

John Edwards: That’s corny as hell. I’ve got a better one.

Eliot Spitzer: Tell us. Don’t keep it to yourself.

Edwards: OK. “Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?”

Spitzer: That sucks. Here’s a much better one: “Hey, baby, you must be a light switch, because every time I see you, you turn me on!” And I’ve had even better luck with this next one: “Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Because you have a pretty sweet ass.”

Trey Radel: Those two suck. I’m a computer nerd. I can tell when a girl’s into computers. If she is, I tell her, “You must be Windows 95, because you’ve got me feeling so unstable.”

Naturally, the whole gang strikes out. Disgusted, they go back to the airport to wait for Obama and Kal Penn.

In the stretch limousine on the way to the airport, Clinton starts talking about Obama. He says, “You know, the guy’s scared to death about going to jail for all the crimes he committed in office. A few days before he was re-elected in 2012, he saw a report by Fred Dardlick in RedState.com. It said he had committed 140 crimes, including accepting millions in illegal foreign and domestic campaign contributions. That had a big effect on him.”

John Edwards chimes in: Hey, I was arrested in the summer of 2010 for using illegal campaign funds to cover up my affair with Rielle Hunter. Obama’s committed a hell of a lot more crimes than I ever did, but he probably won’t get arrested after he’s impeached next year. And even if he does go to jail,  no sweat. 

Rob Ford: Why do you say that?

Edwards: Well, look at that guy the news media calls The Kennedy Cousin. Michael Scoundrel or something like that. He was a fat slob when he went to prison in 2002 for murdering a teenage neighbor in 1975. It took them 27 years to put him in jail. And look at him today—he’s just as fat today as he was back in 2002. Still a fat slob.

Ford: What’s the point, John?

Edwards: Well, if you’re rich and well-connected, like The Kennedy Cousin, you’ll lead the good life in jail.

Trey: Not anymore. Next year, we Republicans will be in charge. And we won’t let Obama off the hook. Thank goodness for ObamaScare. That’s our ticket back to power.

Weiner: Yeah, from a marketing standpoint, it’s a really lousy product.

Clinton: Hey, Anthony, lousy products aren’t our problem—we Democrats just need to find dumber customers! That’s what James Carville always tells me.

Ford: Who’s James Carville?

Clinton: He’s the main reason I got elected President in 1992. He headed up my campaign. 

Spitzer: Even Carville called ObamaScare a joke! He knows what he’s talking about!

Edwards: Yeah, he’s smart. But he’s so ugly. He looks like a rabid Chihuahua under a heat lamp at a Golden Corral buffet!

Clinton: Yeah, but he’s really a saint. Just like Harry Reid.

Edwards: Yeah, I guess Harry Reid’s a saint—he’s got the face of a St. Bernard dog!

What’s going to happen next, dear readers? Read the conclusion to this three-part fractured fairy tale tomorrow.

Copyright (c) 2013