Bill Clinton's Latest "Bimbo Eruption" - It's Not What He Wanted it to Be! - A Fractured Fairy Tale
Triggered by:
Monica Lewinski’s article, “Shame and Survival,” in
Vanity Fair
(June 2014).
DonaldHendon.com
Perpetually horny Bill Clinton was feeling nostalgic
when he read Monica Lewinski’s story, “Shame and
Survival,” in the June issue of
Vanity Fair
magazine. He invited Dick Morris and James Carville
to his hidden bachelor pad in New York City. He goes
there a lot—to get away from Horrible Hillary and to
meet his few remaining sexy female groupies—the ones
who aren’t turned off by his pacemaker and the big
scar in the middle of his chest (from his open-heart
surgery in 2004). He sighs and thinks to himself,
“Damn that heart condition of mine! It slows down my
lovemaking considerably. I can’t satisfy my bimbos
anymore!)
Morris and Carville were two of his closest advisors
when he was governor and president. Dick arrived
first.
Dick: Where are all your bimbos? I thought this was
going to be a party, not just you and me!
Bill: I don’t get many bimbos anymore.
Dick: Trying to stay out of trouble with Horrible
Hillary, huh?
Bill: No, that’s not it. I just can’t get it up
anymore. That damn heart attack! And my pacemaker
scares off a lot of gals. Anyway, we won’t be alone.
I invited James Carville. He’ll be here in a few
minutes.
Dick: Why did you invite that idiot! He looks like a
rabid Chihuahua under the heat lamps at a Golden
Corral buffet.
Bill: He
smells like one, too, Dick. By the way, he hates
to be called Chihuahua. Call him Serpent Head.
That’s what his wife, Mary Matalin, calls him.
Anyway, I wanted to talk to both of you about what
Monica said about me in this month’s
Vanity Fair.
Did you see her article?
Dick: Yeah. She was so stupid!
Bill: What do you mean?
Dick: Let’s look at the article. I see it there on
your messed-up bed.
Dick looks through the article and reads Monica’s
words: “I turned down offers that would have earned
me more than $10 million, because they didn’t feel
like the right thing to do.”
Bill: Yeah, I guess she
was
stupid! I put hundreds of millions of dollars in my
pocket each and every year after I left office in
2001. Easy to do. Lots of rich political groupies
out there.
James “The Rabid Chihuahua” Carville shows up. He
scowls and says, “What’s this idiot doing here,
Bill?”
Dick: Hey, Serpent Head, that’s exactly what I asked
Bill when he told me you were coming, too.
James: Hey, Bill, where are the bimbos? I thought
this was going to be a party!
Dick: Horrible Hillary’s Bimbo Eruption Squad
cleared them out before you arrived. You missed all
the fun.
Bill: Don’t believe what Dick says, James. Three
gals will be here later on tonight.
James: I hope you don’t treat them like you did poor
little Monica.
Bill: Gee, she was such a sweet girl. I still have a
couple of poems she wrote and gave to me.
Dick: Why don’t you read them to us?
Bill: OK. Here’s the first one. It’s called “I said
my pajamas and put on my prayers.” She said that’s
how she felt after we made love for the first time.
I climbed up the door, and opened the stairs.
I said my pajamas, and put on my prayers.
I turned off the bed, and crawled into the light.
And all because you kissed me, goodnight.
Next morning, I woke and scrambled my shoes.
I shined up an egg, then I toasted the news.
I buttered my dress and took another bite.
And all because you kissed me, goodnight.
James: That was sweet. Monica is such a sweet girl.
How could you have treated her that way?
Bill: Well, Horrible Hillary was always looking over
my shoulder. She finally got over Paula Jones,
Gennifer Flowers, Markie Post, Elizabeth Hurley,
Juanita Broaddrick, and the rest of my
bimbo-groupies, but she said she’d kill me if I ever
cheated on her again.
Dick: Well, Horrible Hillary’s not here, so don’t
worry. Now, read us Monica’s second poem.
Bill: OK. It’s called “Why shouldn’t it happen to
us?” Here goes:
It has happened to a cricket in a thicket.
It has happened on a streetcar and a bus.
There has even been a rumor
It happened to a puma
Why shouldn’t it happen to us?
It happened to a tuna at Laguna.
To a girl named Myrtle and a guy named Gus.
Hiawatha said, “Come to me”
By the shores of Gitchi-Gummi
Why shouldn’t it happen to us?
I even heard a reindeer
Whisper “Please say that again, dear.”
So why shouldn’t it happen to us?
All of a sudden, Monica bursts into the room. She
looks angry. She’s carrying a pistol, fully loaded.
She’s accompanied by Joni Ernst, the Republican
who’s running for Senate in Iowa. She’s carrying a
knife. Joni yells at Clinton, “I used to castrate
hogs for a living. When I get elected, I’m going to
cut the pork in Washington. Right now, guess what
I’m gonna do to a scumbag like you!”
What do you think will happen next? Your guess is as
good as mine. I haven’t written it yet. Any
suggestions?
Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a
consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14
books, including
The Way of
the Warrior in Business,
Guerrilla
Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and
365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed
away. He specifically chose Don to be his final
co-author—the person most qualified to
carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into
the 21st century.
Deal-Making
contains the 100 most powerful tactics from
365
Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning
countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics,
92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16
submissive ones to get what you want from other
people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31
tactics to prepare you for your interaction with
them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at
www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online
Negotiation Poker game by going to
GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.