In God We Trust

The Real Reason Obama Pardoned Illegals:  Another Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon
DonaldHendon.com
 

Late at night on June 15, Obama, Attorney General Eric Holder, and New York congressman Charlie Rangel are smoking joints in the Choomobile, a 1968 VW Bus that the Secret Service installed on the front lawn of Obama’s Camp David mansion.  (See my fractured fairy tale of May 28, 2012 here on Stupid Frogs.)  Obama is depressed and doesn’t have on his phony Jimmy Carter smile for a change.  He sighs deeply and says, “I’m gonna lose in November.  I can feel it in my bones.” 

Charlie Rangel pulls out a deck of 78 Tarot cards and says, “Maybe yes and maybe no.  Let’s see what the cards say.”  He shuffles them, lays them face-down on a small table in the middle of the VW Bus and chooses one.  Sure enough, it’s the Death Card.

Obama starts to cry.  “Guys, I don’t want to give up this lavish lifestyle.  I like being a celebrity.  I like being above the law.  What am I gonna do?”

Holder begins to think.  “Barry, I made sure you weren’t prosecuted for breaking the law before.  You broke the campaign finance law last year when you filmed the “Win a Dinner with Barack” ad in the White House.  You broke the law in April when you didn’t tell Congress about the counterterrorism operation that stopped an underwear bomber.  You broke the law when you gave money to push legalized abortion in Kenya.  Why not break the law again?  This time, do something big that will make sure you get re-elected!  Forget about that mickey mouse stuff.  I’ll make sure I won’t prosecute you.  And you can pardon yourself—and me—on your last day in office in January 2017!  And don’t forget to pardon me for letting Border Patrol agent Brian Terry get killed in the Fast and Furious thing.  His family is suing us for $25 million, and I don’t want to get stuck with the bill.  ” 

Obama:  Sounds a lot better than January 2013.  But what exactly do you mean?

Holder:  Give amnesty to illegal aliens—most of them are from Mexico.  They’ll vote for you big-time in Florida, and you can’t win Florida without them.  The hell with article 1 section 8 of the constitution.  Who cares that only congress has the power to establish rules of naturalization!  You’re el jefe, el presidente—you’re above the law!    

Rangel:  Hold on, Holder!  My district is becoming more and more Latino, less black.  I may lose my June 26 primary to that Dominicano guy, Adriano Espaizlat.  I don’t need no more stinkin’ Latinos, especially those who can vote!  What will I do then?  I’ve been livin’ the good life since 1971 when I beat that other crook Adam Clayton Powell. 

Holder:  Don’t sweat it, Charlie.  You were censured by the House in 2010 for ethical violations, and you’re still livin’ the good life.  American voters are stupid!  If they weren’t stupid, Barry here wouldn’t have been elected in the first place.  

Obama:  Let me think about it.  I’m too high to make a decision right now.  See you tomorrow.

Obama goes to bed and thinks, “I wish Michelle were here tonight.  Wonder where she is—probably partying somewhere.  She’ll hate to give up this lifestyle, too, and she’ll make my life miserable after I get defeated.  I hope she divorces me—she almost did in 2000.”

Before falling asleep, he reads some of Marco Rubio’s book, “An American Son:  A Memoir,” and thinks, “Gee, this is so much better than the crap I wrote in Dreams from My Father.”  He falls asleep with the book in his hands, and sure enough, is awoken at the stroke of 12 by a spirit who looks like John Kerry. 

Obama:  John, what are you doing here?

Kerry-Spirit:  I’m here to help you decide about giving amnesty to illegal aliens.  Before dawn, you will be visited by three spirits—the Ghost of Elections Past, the Ghost of Elections Present, and the Ghost of Elections Future. 

Obama:  Don’t go, John.  I’d like to talk to you about being Romney’s stand-in when I prepare for my debates against him. 

Kerry-spirit:  Gee, thanks, Barry.  Romney’s so much better-looking than I am—even my wife thinks I look like a basset hound. 

Obama falls asleep, and the ghosts start to visit. 

At 1 a.m., the Ghost of Elections Past shows up. 

Obama:  Hey, you’re Bill Clinton.  Give me a joint, Bill.

Clinton-spirit:  No time for that now.  Let’s go on a different kind of trip. 

Cllinton takes Obama to the Massachusetts homes of his illegal alien uncle Onyango (Omar) Obama and his illegal alien aunt Zeituni Onyango.  Omar is drunk as usual and is incoherent.  He says, “At least I haven’t crashed into any police cars lately.”  Aunt Zeituni tells Obama, “Barry, you have the obligation to make me a citizen.  When are you gonna do it?”  

Before dropping Obama off in bed, Clinton-spirit says “Remember, if you give amnesty to illegal aliens, you’ll get your uncle and your aunt off your back.” 

Obama falls asleep again, and at the stroke of 2, the Ghost of Elections Present shows up. 

Obama:  Hey, you’re George Bush.  How’s life in Dallas?

Bush-spirit:  Pretty dull.  I wish I were back in the White House.  But I was there 8 years, and Laura doesn’t want to run for office.  Hey, maybe you can get Michelle to run for President after you get defeated in November.

Obama:  You’re sure I’ll get defeated in November? 

Bush-spirit:  Not if you follow Holder’s advice.  Hey, Barry, all I can do is take you to Dallas and show you around my house.  That’s pretty dull.  Why not go back to sleep and wait for the Ghost of Elections Future?

Bush-spirit leaves and Obama falls asleep again.  At the stroke of 3, the Ghost of Elections Future shows up. 

Obama:  Hey, you’re Jimmy Carter.  How come you’re not smiling? 

Carter-spirit:  I forgot.  It’s easy to turn on and off.  You do that, too.  How’s this?

Carter-spirit puts on his famous phony Jimmy Carter smile, grinning ear-to-ear like a hillbilly banjo player on the old show Hee-Haw. 

Obama:  Too phony, even for me.  I can do a lot better than that.  See?

Obama puts on his phony Barack Obama smile.  It lasts for 5 seconds, then he bursts into tears again.

Carter-spirit:  Don’t cry, Barry.  I can see into the future.  One future—Romney will beat you big-time because you’re a loser.  Another future—you’ll win, but only if you follow Holder’s advice.  Give illegal aliens amnesty.  You need the Latino vote. 

Obama and Carter-spirit talk for about a half hour and then Obama falls asleep again. 

The next morning, June 16, Obama wakes up and remembers the 3 spirits.  He says to himself, “Was it a dream?  It seemed so real.”  Then he shrugs, puts on his phony smile and holds a rare press conference.  He says:

I’m violating the constitution again and ordering the Department of Homeland Security to declare that illegal aliens up to the age of 30, who arrived in the US before they turned 16, and who have been in the US for at least 5 years are immune for deportation.  Too late for Uncle Omar and Auntie Zeituni, but right in time for the November elections.  This will affect 800,000 young illegal immigrants, and I’ll win Florida!  I don’t give a damn if Adriano Espaizlat beats Charlie Rangel, and I still don’t give a damn that Doctor Shakil Afridi is in jail for 33 years in Pakistan for helping me find and kill Obama bin Laden…er, I mean Osama bin Laden.

He closes with this statement:  I’m inviting my half-sisters Maya and Auma and my half-brothers Malik, Abo, Bernard, Mark, David, and George to the White House.  I’ll give them a place to stay and make sure they aren’t deported, even if they’re all over 30. 

Copyright (c) 2012 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon



Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a speaker-author-trainer-consultant.  He has written 7 books, including 365 Powerful Ways to Influence and the forthcoming Guerrilla Deal-Making which contains the 100 most powerful influence-persuasion-negotiation techniques—and over 400 counter-measures.  In those books, you learn to use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them.  Learn more about Don’s books at www.donaldhendon.com.  Guerrilla Deal-Making is now available for pre-sales orders at Amazon.com.   

Read these 5 other politically-oriented Fractured Fairy Tales by Don on Stupid Frogs: 
May 28, 2012:  Obama, the Bisexual Gay Pothead—Another Fractured Fairy Tale
June 8, 2011:  When Charlie Sheen Met Anthony Weiner, John Edwards, Bill Clinton, Eliot Spitzer, and Barack Obama: Another Fractured Fairy Tale
May 6, 2011:  When Obama Met Charlie Sheen: A Fractured Fairy Tale
August 2, 2010:  A Fractured Fairy Tale:  When Losing Democrats Hold a Reunion in 2011
June 16, 2010:  When Obama Met BP’s CEO Tony Hayward: A Fractured Fairy Tale

And watch for future fractured fairy tales by Don, including these six: 
Obama declares himself Emperor. 
Obama goes after the prison vote by pardoning convicts, except the guy from Texas Keith Judd who won 40% of the West Virginia Democratic primary election against Obama. 
Obama goes after the stupid vote by dumping Biden and making Alvin Greene (the South Carolina guy who ran against Jim DeMint in 2010) his VP running mate. 
Romney and Obama debate at the Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City and in Jeremiah Wright’s Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago.
Obama kisses Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s ass
Reagan’s ghost visits Obama