Romney’s VP Pick Gives Obama Indigestion—A Fractured Fairy Tale


By Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

It was 11:15 pm on Saturday, August 11. Obama was eating fried chicken which the ever-obedient Secret Service got from the nearby Chick Fil-A at the Catholic University campus in northeast Washington. It tasted good, but not as good as the chicken at the Chick Fil-A in Bethesda. He was still pissed off at Rahm Emmanuel saying Chick Fil-A isn’t welcome back home in Chicago. He thought, “What am I gonna do next January when I’m no longer president and go back to Chicago in disgrace? I can’t live without my Chick Fil-A!”

All of a sudden, Michele rushes in and says “Romney just picked Paul Ryan as VP.” Obama choked and spit out the half-chewed wing in his mouth. He was so worried about running against two Mister Clean’s that he had a hard time going to sleep. While tossing and turning, he hoped his sleeplessness might be because of indigestion instead of worry. He thought of other people Romney could have picked who would have been easier to beat. Like Donald Trump. Or even a Democrat. He started to fixate on Democrats who Romney might have picked. Then, he finally fell asleep. Here’s his dream:

Obama, Barney Frank, and Elton John are deeply involved in pillow talk in the Lincoln bedroom. The lights are low. Obama asks Elton, “What’s your favorite pet name for me? Bee-Hussein, or Barry-Oh? Tell me, then I’ll tell you my pet names for you, Barney, and Michelle.” Then, all of a sudden, Dirty Harry Reid bursts into the room and shouts “Barry, I’ve got terrible news! Just terrible!”

Obama: What happened, Dirty Harry? Did anything happen to my Choomobile that the Secret Service built for me at Camp David? That’s my favorite place in the whole world to get high! Please tell me the Choomobile’s all right. Tell me!

Dirty Harry Reid: Worse than that! Romney’s just pulled the rug out from under us. He’s picked Nancy Pelosi for Vice President! And she said yes!

Obama: Get her in here right away!

Dirty Harry: I took care of that, boss. She’s waiting outside. The Secret Service has her in handcuffs.

Pelosi comes in.

Obama: Nancy, why did you jump ship?

Pelosi: To get back my jet, Barry-Oh! I got used to using those military jumbo jets to fly me, my husband, children, grandchildren, and my Ghirardelli chocolate-covered strawberries back and forth to San Francisco every week when I was speaker. The Judicial Watch Investigation only knows about 90 flights I made between April 2009 and October 2010. They don’t know about the 300 other round-trips we made when I was speaker. No way in hell will I ever be speaker again. You made sure the Republicans will control the house forever because you’re so damn incompetent. Oh, sure, I’ll keep getting re-elected by those clueless people back home in the Bay Area forever. I’m 82, err I mean 72 now, and with my 20 face-lifts last year, I still look like I’m in my 30s. So I’ve got a long career ahead of me. Another 20 years at least! And the only way I’ll get my military jets back is for me to be Vice President!

Obama is speechless, so Dirty Harry asks her: Why did Romney pick you, of all people?

Pelosi: Because Romney wants to win in California. And I can deliver California’s 55 electoral votes—and there’s no way in hell you, Bee-Hussein, and that clown Biden can win the election in November without California! Now get these damn handcuffs off me.

Obama: You witch, you traitor! Fly back to California on your broom for all I care!

Pelosi leaves and takes Barney Frank and Elton John with her. Going out the door, Barney says “Let’s party!”

Then, Obama and Dirty Harry start brainstorming.

Obama: We’ve got to get rid of Joe Biden. Delaware has only three electoral votes. And besides, that guy’s an idiot. Remember when he said “President Franklin Roosevelt got on TV in 1929 when the stock market crashed”?

Dirty Harry: Most voters are stupid. That’s why we Democrats keep getting re-elected. They don’t know there was no TV in 1929 and that Roosevelt wasn’t president until 1933. But I agree. Biden’s a drag on the ticket. We’ve got to choose somebody else.

Obama: Al Gore wants me to choose him. (See Don Hendon’s fractured fairy tale of June 254, 2012, “What Obama Will Do When the Supreme Court Overturns Obamacare.”)

Dirty Harry: Why not choose Sandra Flake? She gave me her phone number and told me to call her anytime. She’ll deliver the young promiscuous female vote—free contraception for everybody!

Obama: Isn’t her name Sandra Fluke?

Dirty Harry: Who cares! She’s a flake! A gorgeous flake!

Obama: How many young promiscuous females are there anyway?

Dirty Harry: There’s never enough!

Obama: No wonder they call you Dirty Harry!

Dirty Harry: We need Florida’s 29 electoral votes, too. How about that hot, beautiful blonde in Florida—the attorney-general. What’s her name?

Obama: Pam Bondi. But she’s a Republican, stupid.

Dirty Harry: Who cares? Nancy Pelosi jumped ship. Maybe Pam Bondi will, too.

Obama: Bill Clinton told me once to dump Biden and pick John Edwards—the serial cheater vote is pretty big! And Bill Clinton knows about serial cheating, big-time!

Dirty Harry: Edwards is still available. He didn’t go to jail, so he’s not a convicted felon. Still eligible for federal office.

Obama: Why not think outside the box like Romney did when he picked Nancy Pelosi. Let’s pick somebody really, really famous with a winning personality. Somebody with a smile that doesn’t look phony. Somebody from Hollywood, maybe.

Eventually, they settle on George Clooney as Vice President. The flattered Clooney says yes.

Then they start brainstorming slogans. They throw out “Incompetence and glamour—Obama and Clooney” right away.

Obama: How about this one: Get Joe Soptic to say “If you vote Republican, you’ll get cancer!” Take the old folks’ vote away from Romney by scaring them. Or “Romney gives people cancer. All I do is nauseate people.”

Dirty Harry: I don’t think that’s gonna work. We tried it earlier and it backfired. We need something better. Hmmm. How about going after the stupid vote. Lots of clueless, stupid people out there. You know—Nancy Pelosi’s kind of voters. I think they’ll like this slogan:

“Well, duh! If the government is dumb enough to give me free money, I’m smart enough to take it!”

Obama: Naw, that’s no good. Democrats have had the stupid vote locked up for many years now.

Dirty Harry: How about going after the smart vote, then?

Obama: No, smart people know better than to vote for Democrats. They know we’re nothing but a bunch of opportunistic liars.

Dirty Harry: How about going after the incompetent vote, then. Let’s use “I didn’t build that—I’m too incompetent to build anything!” Or “Obama, the incompetent socialist. Thank God he’s incompetent!”

Before Obama can answer, the White House chef comes in with breakfast, and so Obama and Dirty Harry start talking about food.

Dirty Harry: I hear the Republicans are going to serve Chick-Fil-A at their convention in Tampa!

Obama: Hmmm, I love Chick Fil-A! But that’s OK. We’re gonna serve soul food at our convention in Charlotte!

Dirty Harry: What’s soul food?

Then they start talking about Joe Biden again.

Dirty Harry: Poor Joe Biden. He has no skills. He’s got a phony smile. Your phony smile looks genuine, but Biden’s phony smile looks really, really phony. What’s he gonna do in 2013?

Obama: I’ll get him a gig on Dancing with the Stars.

That’s when Obama woke up—in a cold sweat. Rummaging around in the trash can, he started eating left-over Chick Fil-A. All of a sudden, he came up with a brilliant plan! Then, he had to throw up, and couldn’t remember what his plan was.

Stay tuned for more fractured fairy tales.

Copyright (c) 2012 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon

In Dr. Donald W. Hendon's book, 365 Powerful Ways to Influence, you learn to use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. There are many political examples. Learn more about his book at www.donaldhendon.com. Download Chapter 1 there, free of charge. And watch for his latest book, co-authored by Jay Conrad Levinson. Titled Guerrilla Deal-Making, It contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways. It’s available for pre-order right now at Amazon.com.