In God We Trust

Obama Pardons Eric Holder—Maybe:  Another Fractured Fairy Tale

 

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

It’s Saturday, January 19, 2013, and the Obamas have almost finished packing up to leave the White House. 

Barack:  Hey, Sasha and Malia.  Don’t forget to pack the White House silverware.  We’ll need it back home in Jakarta.

Sasha:  Why bother?  Bill and Hillary stole most of the good silverware in 2001.

Malia:  Why can’t we go back to Honolulu?  It has much better beaches than that stupid Jakarta.   

Barack:  I’ve told you this a thousand times.  There’s no extradition treaty between the US and Indonesia.  I can’t be sent back to stand trial for all the unconstitutional things I did the last 4 years.  Besides, I’d like to get to know my six half-brothers and two half-sisters.  I was an only child when I was growing up, and I’d like to experience the thrill of sibling rivalry. 

Michelle:  Why don’t you just pardon yourself today before you leave?  I’d like to move back to Honolulu, too.  The hell with Chicago.  It’s too cold.  And the air pollution is just as bad as it is in Jakarta.

Barack:  Dammit, I forgot to pardon Eric Holder.  He was found guilty of contempt by the House last summer for not giving them the documents in the Fast and Furious scandal.

Michelle:  Forget about Eric and help me pack.  The most he can get when he’s found guilty is a fine of $1,000 and one year in jail.

Malia:  Daddy, did you pardon yourself yet?  Darrell Issa’s committee found you in contempt of Congress, too.

Sasha:  Yeah, daddy.  You were found guilty of breaking the campaign finance law in 2011 when you filmed the “Win a Dinner with Barack” ad in the White House. 

Michelle:  And they found you guilty of breaking the law last year when you didn’t tell Congress about the counterterrorism operation that stopped an underwear bomber. 

Sasha:  And don’t forget they found you guilty of breaking the law when you gave money to push legalized abortion in Kenya. 

Barack:  Shut up, all of you.  That’s mickey mouse stuff.  They were too stupid to find out about all the money I hid in Dubai.  We’ll live like emperors in Jakarta with that stash!

Michelle:  I don’t understand.  Why did you hide the money in Dubai, of all places?  You don’t like the Middle East. 

Barack:  Your memory sucks, baby.  I told you several times there’s no extradition treaty between the US and the United Arab Emirates. 

Michelle:  Yeah, I remember.  But what does Dubai have to do with the United Arab Emirates?

Barack:  Dubai is one of the emirates in the United Arab…oh, forget it.  Just shut up and keep on packing.  Don’t forget the monogrammed towels and the White House dinnerware. 

Sasha:  Why are we taking George Bush’s portrait with us, daddy?

Barack:  I need a dart board.  Remember how much I like to play darts!

All of a sudden, Eric Holder and Charlie Rangel enter the room.

Holder:  Wow, look at all that silverware.  Barry, please let me take a few with me.  I’ll hide them in my pants.  I can sell them to help pay my legal bills.  They’ll be huge beginning tomorrow when I’m no longer Attorney General. 

Barack:  Sure, grab whatever you can.

Rangel:  Can I have some, too?  Everything is so shiny. 

Barack:  Sure.  Knock yourself out. 

While they’re stuffing silverware into their pants, Holder starts to cry.

Michelle:  Why are you crying, Eric? 

Holder:  I don’t want to go to jail.  I’m not a likeable person.  I don’t know how to smile.  I’m afraid of being bullied by the cops while in jail and being raped in the shower.

Rangel:  Don’t worry about being raped.  You’re too ugly. 

Holder:  Did you pardon me yet? 

Barack:  I’ve decided not to pardon you.  I’d like to see you dangling in the wind.

Holder begins to cry even more.

Barack:  Oh, stop crying.  Don’t sweat it.  I’m getting ready to pardon you.  But first, I’ve got to help the girls finish stealing…er, I mean packing. 

Bill and Hillary Clinton come into the room.

Hillary:  Hey, I see you’re stealing the White House silverware like we did in 2001.  Whenever Bill and I give parties at our house in New York, we like to tell our guests that the silverware is really from the White House.  They don’t care if we stole it or not.  They just like to bask in our glory.

Bill:  Barry, have you pardoned yourself and Eric yet?  Have you pardoned anybody else?  I’ll bet you’re trying to break my record of 140 pardons on my last day in office, aren’t you?

Barack:  Yeah, I’m gonna break your record.  Nobody remembers Pardongate anymore.  Mary Jo White and James Comey, the federal prosecutors who investigated your pardons, found no wrongdoing. 

Malia:  Why didn’t they find you guilty, Mr. Clinton?

Bill:  I gave them some of the White House silverware.

Hillary:  Bill, how many times did you invoke executive privilege?

Bill:  I’m proud to say I broke the record of any president—I did it 14 times.  If I hadn’t, I’d probably be in jail right now.

Hillary:  How many times did George Bush use executive privilege?

Bill:  Only four times. 

Hillary:  I still don’t understand—why are you moving to Indonesia, of all places?  Are you that interested in bonding with your half-brothers and half-sister? 

Barack:  I’ll bet Bill knows why.  Tell her, Bill.

Bill:  No extradition treaty between Indonesia and the US. 

Barack:  And after I’m in Indonesia, I won’t care if I’m found guilty or not.

Malia:  I want to get to know my uncles and auntie.  I hope they’re better people than Uncle Omar and Auntie Zeituni. He’s always drunk, and she’s always complaining about her health.

Holder:  Barry, please, please, please pardon me. 

All of a sudden, Charlie Sheen shows up.

Sheen:  Wow, look at all that silverware.  Can I have some?

To be continued. 

Copyright (c) 2012 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon


 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a speaker-author-trainer-consultant.  He has written 7 books, including 365 Powerful Ways to Influence and the forthcoming Guerrilla Deal-Making which contains the 100 most powerful influence-persuasion-negotiation techniques—and over 400 counter-measures.  In those books, you learn to use 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive tactics, 24 cooperative tactics, 16 submissive tactics, and 81 dirty tricks to get what you want from other people—plus 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them.  Learn more about Don’s books at www.donaldhendon.com.  Guerrilla Deal-Making is now available for pre-sales orders at Amazon.com.