In God We Trust

Take a Fun Trip - From Jimmy Carter's Hemorrhoids to Bill Clinton's Nose to Obama's Social Security Number

 

By Dr. Donald W. Hendon
DonaldHendon.com

George H. W. Bush makes a business trip to Georgia. While he’s there, he decides to pay a call on Jimmy Carter. They start reminiscing about life in the White House. Here’s some of their conversation:

Carter: I’m pissed off at Oh-Bummer because he’s the first president who never called him for advice.

Bush thinks to himself, “Gee, I’ve gotta re-evaluate my opinion of the guy. I guess Obama’s not that stupid after all.” Then, he says to Carter: “Hey, I like the nickname you gave Obama. I think I’ll start calling him Oh-Bummer from now on, too!”

Carter: And on top of that, Oh-Bummer’s never even asked me about my hemorrhoids problem. By the way, you haven’t, either!

Bush: Sorry. Yeah, I seem to remember you had a big problem with them. How’d you get ‘em in the first place?

Carter: I’m a workaholic. When I was president, I spent 18 hours a day sitting at my desk. I even approved who was going to use the White House tennis courts!

Bush: Oh-Bummer’ll never get hemorrhoids! My buddies in the White House tell me that he goes into the oval office only once a week. And on that day, he usually spends only about two hours at his desk, signing things that Michelle and Eric Holder hand him. He never even looks at what he signs.

Carter: What does he do the rest of the time?

Bush: I hear he plays basketball most of the time. He doesn’t want people to stereotype him as “just another black basketball player.” So he does it in secret—in the underground White House gym. And to make him appeal more to white people, he plays a white man’s game—golf—in public wearing those silly Mom Jeans.

Carter: I’ve seen pictures of him in those things. Hey, George, you know, I haven’t noticed any bulge in the crotch area when he’s wearing his Mom Jeans.

Bush: Me, too. I’ve got a theory about that.

Carter: What’s your theory?

Bush: Bill Clinton told me that Michelle was so pissed off at him for his sexual inadequacy and lack of interest in heterosexual sex that she actually cut off his balls. Bill said she keeps them on the shelf in her living room so she can show them to her guests. Bill’s one of the few people she showed her trophy to. 

Carter: Knowing Michelle’s expensive tastes, I doubt it. She wouldn’t touch a mason jar with a 10-foot pole. She probably keeps them in a $100,000 gold plated Happy Meal box.

Bush: Gee, Jimmy, I didn’t know you had such a sense of humor. You always look so grouchy.

Carter: That’s because of my hemorrhoids! I was always in pain! Still am! But you can’t believe anything Clinton says. He’s a congenital liar. Remember the Monica Lewinsky scandal?

Bush: Yeah, he was impeached by the House for lying and for obstructing justice.. But he wasn’t convicted by the Senate, and so he stayed in office. 

Carter: I can’t remember now how they caught him lying about having sex with Monica.

Bush: It was the Pinocchio effect.

Carter: What’s that?

Bush: He kept touching his nose. That’s a dead giveaway. Bill was a big, big liar!

Carter: How big was he?

Bush: The biggest! The Pinocchio Effect gave him away.

Carter: Once again, what the hell is the Pinocchio Effect?

Bush: People touch their nose a lot when they lie. But Clinton carried this to the extreme!  He was such a big liar that he actually touched his nose 598 times during his 23-minute testimony about the Monica affair in August 1998. That’s an average of 26 times a minute when he was lying about Monica. Many experts on body language, like Dr. Donald Hendon, call this the “Pinocchio effect.” I read about it on pages 190-194 of Hendon’s 2013 book, Guerrilla Deal-Making. And touching the nose is only one of 40 gestures people make when they lie, according to Dr. Hendon.

Note: Body language of lying is also in two other books I’ve written: 365 Powerful Ways to Influence (2010, pages 144-152) and The Way of the Warrior in Business (2013, pages 195-196).

Carter: I never lied to the American people!

Bush: Baloney! I saw you touch your nose a lot on TV.

Carter: You were probably watching TV upside down. I was usually scratching my hemorrhoids, not touching my nose.

Bush: Hmmmm.

Carter: So, who do you think’s a bigger liar—Clinton or Oh-Bummer?

Bush: Oh-Bummer, for sure! But that dude lives a charmed life. He lies more than you and Clinton combined! And never gets caught!

Carter: He’s gonna get caught pretty soon—in a big, big lie! I understand the Russian government is gonna blow the lid off the Harrison J. Bounel scandal.

Bush: Who’s Bounel?

Carter: He’s that guy from Connecticut whose Social Security number has been used by Oh-Bummer for years and years! Bounel died a long time ago. I think he had number 042-68-4425.

Bush: How did Oh-Bummer get a social security number from a dead guy in Connecticut?

Note to readers: How, indeed? Read the even-weirder conclusion to this already weird fractured fairy tale tomorrow in Stupid Frogs.

Copyright (c) 2014 by Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon


 

Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to  carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.