Take a Fun Trip - From Jimmy Carter's Hemorrhoids to Bill Clinton's Nose to Obama's Social Security Number
DonaldHendon.com
George H. W. Bush makes a business trip to Georgia.
While he’s there, he decides to pay a call on Jimmy
Carter. They start reminiscing about life in the
White House. Here’s some of their conversation:
Carter: I’m pissed off at Oh-Bummer because he’s the
first president who never called him for advice.
Bush thinks to himself, “Gee, I’ve gotta re-evaluate
my opinion of the guy. I guess Obama’s not that
stupid after all.” Then, he says to Carter: “Hey, I
like the nickname you gave Obama. I think I’ll start
calling him Oh-Bummer from now on, too!”
Carter: And on top of that, Oh-Bummer’s never even
asked me about my hemorrhoids problem. By the way,
you
haven’t, either!
Bush: Sorry. Yeah, I seem to remember you had a big
problem with them. How’d you get ‘em in the first
place?
Carter: I’m a workaholic. When I was president, I
spent 18 hours a day sitting at my desk. I even
approved who was going to use the White House tennis
courts!
Bush: Oh-Bummer’ll never get hemorrhoids! My buddies
in the White House tell me that he goes into the
oval office only once a week. And on that day, he
usually spends only about two hours at his desk,
signing things that Michelle and Eric Holder hand
him. He never even looks at what he signs.
Carter: What does he do the rest of the time?
Bush: I hear he plays basketball most of the time.
He doesn’t want people to stereotype him as “just
another black basketball player.” So he does it in
secret—in the underground White House gym. And to
make him appeal more to white people, he plays a
white man’s game—golf—in public wearing those silly
Mom Jeans.
Carter: I’ve seen pictures of him in those things.
Hey, George, you know, I haven’t noticed any bulge
in the crotch area when he’s wearing his Mom Jeans.
Bush: Me, too. I’ve got a theory about that.
Carter: What’s your theory?
Bush: Bill Clinton told me that Michelle was so
pissed off at him for his sexual inadequacy and lack
of interest in heterosexual sex that she actually
cut off his balls. Bill said she keeps them on the
shelf in her living room so she can show them to her
guests. Bill’s one of the few people she showed her
trophy to.
Carter: Knowing Michelle’s expensive tastes, I doubt
it. She wouldn’t touch a mason jar with a 10-foot
pole. She probably keeps them in a $100,000 gold
plated Happy Meal box.
Bush: Gee, Jimmy, I didn’t know you had such a sense
of humor. You always look so grouchy.
Carter: That’s because of my hemorrhoids! I was
always
in pain! Still am! But you can’t believe anything
Clinton says. He’s a congenital liar. Remember the
Monica Lewinsky scandal?
Bush: Yeah, he was impeached by the House for lying
and for obstructing justice.. But he wasn’t
convicted by the Senate, and so he stayed in office.
Carter: I can’t remember now how they caught him
lying about having sex with Monica.
Bush: It was the Pinocchio effect.
Carter: What’s that?
Bush: He kept touching his nose. That’s a dead
giveaway. Bill was a big, big liar!
Carter: How big
was
he?
Bush: The biggest! The Pinocchio Effect gave him
away.
Carter: Once again, what the hell is the Pinocchio
Effect?
Bush: People touch their nose a lot when they lie.
But Clinton carried this to the extreme!
He was
such a big liar that he actually touched his nose 598 times
during his 23-minute testimony about the Monica
affair in August 1998. That’s an average of 26 times
a minute when he was lying about Monica. Many
experts on body language, like Dr. Donald Hendon,
call this the “Pinocchio effect.” I read about it on
pages 190-194 of Hendon’s 2013 book,
Guerrilla Deal-Making. And touching the nose is only one of
40 gestures people make when they lie, according to
Dr. Hendon.
Note:
Body language of lying is also in two other books
I’ve written:
365 Powerful Ways to Influence (2010,
pages 144-152) and
The Way of
the Warrior in Business (2013, pages
195-196).
Carter: I never lied to the American people!
Bush: Baloney! I saw you touch your nose a lot on
TV.
Carter: You were probably watching TV upside down. I
was usually scratching my hemorrhoids, not touching
my nose.
Bush: Hmmmm.
Carter: So, who do you think’s a bigger liar—Clinton
or Oh-Bummer?
Bush: Oh-Bummer, for sure! But that dude lives a
charmed life. He lies more than you and Clinton
combined! And
never gets caught!
Carter: He’s gonna get caught pretty soon—in a big,
big lie! I understand the Russian government is
gonna blow the lid off the Harrison J. Bounel
scandal.
Bush: Who’s Bounel?
Carter: He’s that guy from Connecticut whose Social
Security number has been used by Oh-Bummer for years
and years! Bounel died a long time ago. I think he
had number 042-68-4425.
Bush: How did Oh-Bummer get a social security number
from a dead guy in Connecticut?
Note to readers:
How, indeed? Read the even-weirder conclusion to
this already weird fractured fairy tale tomorrow in
Stupid Frogs.
Copyright (c) 2014 by Dr.
Donald Wayne Hendon
Dr. Donald Wayne Hendon is a consultant, speaker, trainer, and author of 14 books, including The Way of the Warrior in Business, Guerrilla Deal-Making (with Jay Conrad Levinson) and 365 Powerful Ways to Influence. Jay Levinson recently passed away. He specifically chose Don to be his final co-author—the person most qualified to carry the torch of guerrilla marketing into the 21st century. Deal-Making contains the 100 most powerful tactics from 365 Powerful Ways—along with 400 winning countermeasures. There are 121 aggressive tactics, 92 defensive ones, 24 cooperative ones, and 16 submissive ones to get what you want from other people. Plus 81 dirty tricks to watch out for and 31 tactics to prepare you for your interaction with them. Download Chapter 1, free of charge, at www.DonaldHendon.com. Play Don’s free online Negotiation Poker game by going to GuerrillaDon.com. Apps will soon be available.